peace to peace corps

it seems that saying goodbye is at the same time really easy (physically), and impossible (emotionally). you can never really be ok with potentially never seeing a friend again. at least, not if you're not crazy. but the question is, how comfortable do you need to be before the goodbye stops being painful? and what can one do to avoid that business alltogether? I guess on one end, you can just never really face reality and just avoid goodbyes. You can also embrace the idea, and do it with poise, or whatever word you want to use there. But in the end, I think it's all bullshit. Because in either case you're just lying to yourself. I do think though, that there are other options. I personally prefer extending the goodbye over a long period. Not physically, but psychologically. You start saying goodbye months before you actually leave, that way the actual act means nothing, because mentally you're already there. However, that does have unintended consequences almost every time. Because if you actually care about a person, that last goodbye is just as hard, if not harder, because rather than extending it, you've been building it up. Or, you cut a person off too soon, and maybe even never reach the true potential that your connection could have been, had you not spent the whole time saying goodbye. Which makes me wonder, since I have been following this philosophy for some time, how many personal relationships have I killed before they even formed? And what's the alternative? Because goodbyes are inevitable, and then the question that appears is the following: Is it truly better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

hmm..

ok, so i've had a couple experiences that i wanted to get on paper before i forget them. to be honest, i wrote them on post-its days ago, and now the details are becoming muddy, so if it all sounds boring and whatnot, well then, go read something else. i keep realizing that this blog is more than anything a record for myself, so if i seem apathetic, well it's because i am.

ok, so first and foremost, it is raining. and yes, i wrote about this before, but it's getting worse. it rains with gusting winds, every night, power and cell phones go daily, and yesterday we had our first hurricane. or second. i don't know. the point is it sucked. it was as if i was in a wind tunnel. and i was indoors. water came from all sides, falling almost laterally, coming in from under the door (and i live on the second floor). the roof leaked everywhere, even though it never leaks, and every outdoor surface had at least 2 inches of standing water on it. it hailed. yeah, that's right, balls of ice fell from the sky in a tropical country. i bet it's not even this shitty in jersey, thousands of miles to the north. and the interesting thing is, for the first time i was a little disconcerted. i would say scared, because i trust our concrete house to withstand a little rain, but the lack of electricity, missing cell phone service, falling tress, and constant lightining strikes feet from my house, made me wonder if our new construction would survive the storm. actually i was sitting for some time, watching the long rebar towers sticking out of our new roof, hoping one would be the recipient of a lightning bolt, and that it would forever remain a deformed mass of iron, but i wasn't so lucky. kind of boring actually in the end.

on a different note, my work is done. at least my community development business. although one story i think is worth noting. so my garden project had one stipulation: lack of participation would result in the return of materials to the project. and i loved using this as a threat to get people to work. maybe not so much as a threat, but the ultimatum had the desired effect. "get this shit done, or i take everything away and give it to somebody who actually gives a damn". and people took it seriously. except for one family, and i decided that they would not get the pleasure of calling my bluff. so a couple weeks ago, i got into a car with my buddy luis and the local community leader, and we drove up the mountain to the tiny adobe house. it stands in the middle of a coffee farm, and there is no road access, so i was forced to leave the car and walk to the front door through dense wet coffee trees. when i arrived, a 70 year old man met me with a stern look. his son had signed up for the project and then left, supposedly with no intention of building the garden. and the conversation (after all the initial pleasantries) went something like this:

me: sir, due to your son's noncompliance with the project rules, i have to pick up the fencing and take it back.

old dude: well, that won't be possible because it's not here. they (the family) took it with them.

me: sadly, that's not going to work. if there's no fencing, then someone will have to pay me the cost, so that the materials can be procured for someone else. if you'd like, you can see the contract your son signed.

old dude: i don't understand this. why do you even need fencing, i used to plant acres of cabbage without the need for any of this fancy crap. and anyway, isn't all this shit free? didn't you gift it to us? how can you take it back?

me: well, to be honest, it's not free. it was given out with conditions, and those were not met. and rules are rules. that's one of the reasons this country is how it is, because no one takes laws seriously.

old dude: well there you have a point.

and this is where it got interesting, because the old guy called his grandson and told him to pull the fencing out of the house and give it to me (yeah that's right, the fencing that supposedly had left with his son).

after about 20 more minutes of the old dude telling me how gardening can be accomplished without materials, i dragged the roll of fencing through the farm with a stupid smile on my face. and yes, i did feel guilty for taking something away from such a poor and humble family. but i did offer them the option of keeping it and making a garden even though their son was a fuckup. but they said no. and now another family is benefiting from this material. hopefully, this will also remain as a lesson for the community as a whole, and people won't take future projects as lightly. or maybe not. at least my conscience is clean.

july, maybe last post for PC

it's been raining daily, starting at 11 am, for almost, well i actually don't know how long now. it feels as if forever, but i know it's only been a few weeks. the point is, life has been forced indoors, and that can drive a person a little stir crazy. and since endless rain here is tied to power outages (the last two days we didn't have electricity for 40 hours straight), being indoors in the darkness is a little tough. luckily i'll be leaving soon. i think i should look at this as a test of my abilities, a challenge. to add salt to the wound, or make matters worse, or whatnot, it has become almost impossible to dry clothes (since no one here has a dryer and there isn't enough sun), and laundry isn't easy either, so i am currently going commando, and have been for days. hopefully i will have underwear for tomorrow.

on a different note, my work here is basically done. this friday, we will be having our last meeting for the garden project. after seeing all of the hard work that has been accomplished, i can only smile. people have done things that i never imagined would occur so early on, implementing pretty important novel techniques. and the crazy thing is, all these practices have been working out, and so some participants have even changed their minds about organic crop production. i had a guy yesterday hand me a radish the size of an 11 year old's fist. he couldn't believe it either. i just sat there dumbfounded taking pictures.

in the end though, this all pales in comparison to the anxiety of finally getting out of here. the interesting thing is, it's the same as when i left for honduras in the first place. i am excited to move on, but sad to leave. i guess it will happen everywhere i go, might as well get used to it.

june

ok, i'm back to pose two questions:

1. do you think that if all the time that people spend discussing theology and going to church were to be invested in something productive (and yes, that's offensive but i don't care), like learning a trade or studying science, would we live in a better world?

2. is it me, or is religion inherently selfish, at least in the case of christianity, where one can only save oneself? what about saving others? and i don't mean in the sense of preaching and missionary work, but actually achieving salvation for others. self sacrifice style. like the homeboy jesus did, supposedly. even though we're all still fucked according to the bible, and unless we accept him as our lord and savior we are condemned to damnation. what kind of belief structure is that? what if i do good and live a life with no sin? what then? do i still go to hell cuz i think jesus was just some bearded dude? how does that make sense?

ok, it's not the time to rant, but i've had a long day filled with people telling me to tie a rock to my feet and jump in the ocean, cuz that would be better than not believing in god, or something. :P

may, almost june, 2011

seems like i'm down to a monthly update, which i guess, under my circumstances of living in the mountains is no big deal. granted, i do have satellite internet in my office, and all the luxuries of living in a developed country, but still, just go with it. pretend this is being written from the deep jungles of a forgotten land, while spider monkeys curiously watch from the canopy. soon, natives will arrive and attempt to sacrifice...ok enough of that. now i'm just getting offensive. let's get down to brass tacks, or whatever the saying is.

in the last month so much has happened that i don't even think i can fit it all into this blog. not physically, but in the sense that, by the time i write a few paragraphs i'll get distracted by one of the many insects/animals/weird occurences outside my office door, and well, that will be the end of that. so, here it goes:

1. panels are up and functioning. people seem happy, although i have yet to receive the standing ovation i was expecting. maybe i'll never get it. but really, who cares. at least the work got done, people have light, and now they can stay up til the wee hours watching telenovelas and rotting their brains. mission accomplished. hopefully, this will count as real experience and i can go on to be some sort of important renewable energy dude. otherwise, ill probably end up in a basement somewhere, looking at old photos, eating pints of generic ice cream, and falling asleep on my keyboard drooling into the cracks. :)

2. garden's are all distributed except for a small portion, and hopefully soon, people will be eating veggies everywhere. so far, thee interest of the populace is high, although that may be a sham. i think that the true test will come at the end of august, when everyone would have harvested the last of their crop, and well...if they don't go to buy more, then that's the end of my little dream project. but for the time being, i can pretend that i have made some sort of difference. the best part tho, is that a key group of people still call me and come visit to tell me that their plants are growing well, that they are harvesting X that's THIS BIG, and whatnot. and that brings a smile to my face (i'm not sure where else it could be brought to, but whatever).

3. the rest of my work is also basically done. i have gotten myself involved in a crazy regional improved stoves initiative, but it requires little on my part, so i'm not stressing. if it works, then good, and i can take some credit for the organization of the whole thing, but otherwise, that's life, that's honduras, and that's development for ya. shit happens.

4. i have also taken two awesome vacations recently. one, i think i wrote about in the last entry, so it doesn't need to get mentioned. but about a week ago I went to UTILA to go scuba diving, which was incredible. i am now an advanced open water diver, which is pretty dope, although i'm not sure when I will actually be able to use those skills. we did all sorts of interesting dives, saw some really awesome critters (rays, octopii (i don't know how to spell that word), giant crabs, barracudas, etc), and i almost got the bends. actually, more like, i'm an idiot, drank to much the night before, got dehydrated, and thought i had the bends, but...that doesn't sound as romantic, so for my purposes, i got the bends. we also got to see a bit of CEIBA's carnaval, which was interesting, but not incredible. it was like any fair event (not fair like pretty, but like carnival, whatever, you get the point), just bigger. people stood around, ate a lot, walked a bunch, and some had the guts to dance (mostly us stupid gringos).

5. now i'm back in town, trying to sort out my life for the next couple of months before going back to the homeland. and now, we were just informed that our Close of Service date is being moved up a month due to budget problems, so i will be home much earlier than expected. which is a relief and disconcerting at the same time. the closer the date, the more i think about it, the more i lose my mind, the more interesting things here get. so it's an adventure to say the least. the good thing is, i will basically be trapped on my mountain for the next three months, which will give me plenty of time to finish everything, close up shop, read everything i have wanted to for the last few months, watch a shit-ton (literally) of movies, and just get my head on straight before going home. oh yeah, and start looking for a job, which right now sounds like a daunting experience.

ok, so that's basically it. as for stories, well there are many, and it's hard to recall them without some sort of stimuli. i have met some really incredible people in the last month, some that have truly surprised me, and have opened my mind up to bigger and better things. it's amazing how in the least expected moments, things happen, and you change forever.

rainy season has also started, which brings about it's own diversions. frequent power outages mean pitch black nights, which is impossible to experience in the states. by pitch black, i mean, you put your hand to your nose and it's not visible. nights when you truly can experience isolation, or even enlightenment. to be honest, sometimes, it's just downright frightening.

rainy season also means the appearance of a variety of anoying insects, and other critters, that constantly remind you of their existence. for example, there are these little guys called palomillas, which swarm at night for about a week, fly into houses, into your hair, into your clothes, then shed their wings, mate, and die. it's romantic in a sense, until you look around and your walls are covered in dead insects and wings.

and with that, i think i will leave you.

hn-something or other, it's been so long that i don't know which one i'm on now

i think this blog is on its way out. i haven't written in months, and i my desire to write deminishes with every day. this isn't because there's nothing to write about, it's just that it's all the same. and the less originality there is, the less need there is for it to be public. but if anyone cares, here's an update.

in the last couple of weeks another volunteer (by the name of xiah) and i trained 10 local development technicians in the use of GPS and ArcGIS technologies, which will now allow them to be able to better manage projects, create proposals, and explain their efforts. all in all the workshop was an incredible succcess, with people staying late almost every day to play with their new toys. we even gave out little certificates to everyone, which was a nice touch (all thanks to xiah).

during this same time period, we also began distributing materials for the garden project, which has been a hot mess. apparently promises of delivery in this country (and possibly everywhere) mean jack shit, and things that i should have already given out to people, i am still awaiting with growing impatience. how hard can it really be to buy some transparent plastic sheeting and load it onto a truck? really. however, the good part is that we're distributing stuff out, people are putting up their fencing, and overall i can't complain. on a different but connected note, the project got picked up by USAID and will now have technical support for the next 5 years!!!!! bam!!!!

finally, solar panels are in. being installed as we speak. nuff said.

otherwise, life is awesome, just came back from a long vacation, going to take another in may to go diving, and yeah. basically thats it. if i had stories to tell you, i would, but even the most ridiculous things now seem normal, and rarely stick out in my mind. i guess that's part of life. i don't really know how people blog actually. i understand those that rant on current events, that is totally doable, since you have an unlimited fountain of absurd material, but anything else?

some thoughts

ok, it seems that this blog is basically on it's last leg. i haven't written in a long time, and to be honest, i don't know if i have much of a desire to continue. i enjoy writing here, but for the last few months there hasn't been much to talk about. work is about the same, constantly busy, trying to figure out the now and the tomorrow. socially life is the same, same crew, same places, same party. andrew came here for two weeks and that was pretty awesome, and there are lots of pictures, but at this time i dont want to post them. now erika is here, a friend of mine from rutgers, to volunteer at the coop, and that should be pretty interesting as well. in terms of news, there really isnt much to say. wednesday supposedly, and i say supposedly because these plans have been changing continuously for the last six months, anyway, wednesday, the panels are coming to be installed. also, on the same day, we go to buy materials for the garden project, and hopefully that aspect of the effort will also be complete. luckily, this mostly depends on me, so there should be few problems if i can help it. if i can handle everything for the next month, all of my major projects should be in full swing, with little effort required on my part (that is if local counterparts pull their weight). this means a little travel, a little relaxation, and a whole less stress. maybe then i will write some more. but for now, that's it.

just a thought...

so about 6 months ago I called a meeting. close to 150 people showed up, on time... now that says a lot for a town my size, and I thought that I had had a breakthrough. you could say that i felt integrated, so integrated, it was like i was one with the town. not only was i a member of the community but a respected one, supposedly.

that day we decided that the town was interested in one project in particular: vocational courses. we selected a number, 12 to be exact, from the list that had been provided to me by the local vocational institute, and we elected (from a set of volunteers), 12 coordinators, who agreed to wrok with me to make these classes a reality.

today was the first meeting of many where we were supposed to begin the process of getting these classes moving (you may ask why it took 6 months to get here, but that can be attributed to a number of reasons, including the coffee season, the institute, and everything else possible). finally, we were at this magnificent point. and 4 people showed up. 4. out of 12. go figure, right? you think that after getting 150 people to show up (and i only invited 40!!!), i could get 12. fuck no. apparently integration is a lot harder than i thought. i wonder what people really think of me here...

time to write

i think this is the first time that i have gone silent for over a month. i guess it has to do with my work, all the running around the country that i have been doing for peace corps business, but in the end it's mostly been my lack of initiative. my apathy. i just didnt feel the need to write. and to be honest, i still don't really feel like it. at most i think i can say the following:

every single day here is new and different. you think you know the situation, the people around you, the projects you are working on, and then one little thing can change all of that. it can throw you off your path, set you in a wild depression, make you smile, bruise you, and in the end, it all seems to matter very little. the scope is so much greater than any event, any occurence, any one person, that it's all the same. to me, it feels like the pressure has been lifted. because when you know that anything you stress about is miniscule compared to other things that millions of people have to deal with in the world, all you can do is smile, and hope that what you're doing may make a small difference for someone else. hopefully positive, of course. i know that this is pretty generic rubbish. most of it you have heard before. but hearing it and experiencing it is very different. saying you're a grain of sand is one thing, but seeing the rest of the sand box is a whole different matter. and the less you think about what you have to do, and the more you look around and feel it, the bigger the box seems.

hn58.

i'm back, and this time with three minor complaints:

well no, not so much complaints as commentary. i think the reason it may come off as a complaint is mostly because of my lack of cultural experience. Or maybe not. For you to decide.

1) honduran gas-less gas stations and chicken-less chicken places

When you read the sign SUPER POLLO what is it that you imagine? A chicken with a cape? Maybe a chicken so good you could only describe it with the word super? Well at least, you would think chicken I hope? But the last thing you would expect, upon entering such an establishment is a complete lack of chicken. Right? Unless I made an incorrect turn somewhere between the front door and the heated tray counter? In fact, I think there's a large humanoid chicken flexing his biceps out front? That I think should have been a dead give away, no?

Different situation, similar point. I'm sitting in the back of a pick-up as it approaches a gas station. Man pulls up to the pump. He waits. The attendant, currently lying in the doorway of the gas station convinience store, mutters under his breath: "No hay gasolina". That means, there ain't no gas for all of you who don't speak spanish. Then he laughs and returns to his nap like state. Would you find that shit funny? And it's the only gas station in 20 miles. There are convinience stores all over town that sell gasoline by the gallon at double the price (I'm not sure how safe or legal that is, but that's not the point), but the f-ing gas station is all out. Not that they don't have ways to call in the gas truck in advance or anything. Right?

2. Bathrooms in honduras don't always reach the ceiling.

If you were constructing a house and you had a choice of having the bathroom be sealed in by 4 walls and a ceiling/floor combo OR have walls that only reach about 6 feet up and then abruptly stop, which would you choose? Because using a bathroom where the top four feet are open to all curious spectators, and let's hypothetically say connected to a dining room, is not the most confidence inducing experience...In fact, it maybe one of the most nerve racking moments of my life. Especially for something that usually only provides calm and happiness.

and 3 will have to wait. maybe there really wasn't a 3 after all.

hn57.

well it's been a long time, so i think a little blog entry is in order. but i'm a little tired of the old format, the recaps of my work life and what not, so why not try something new. i will write when i have epiphanies, maybe little stories, but overall, i think it's time to chill with the absolutely inane sputterings that don't enlighten anyone.

furthermore, since my family knows about all my exploits, i don't have to cater to them in any way, and the rest of you could give a shit about solar panels and gardens, so i think cultural exchange is much more important and profound. now, let's see if i'm up to the challenge.

so for a first, i want to reflect on american consumerism. not necessarily buying new things (which is always fun), but buying new things that we have absolutely no apparent use for. think about it. no offense to any of my friends who read this, but why do you need 10 of everything. and i'm being this ambiguous because this applies to almost everything we possess. in fact, i think a good exercise is to look into your closet or dresser and analyze every piece of clothing. when was the last time you wore article A? and the time before that? if there is more than a month long period in between you should probably donate that shit to someone who can use it more often. now of course, this excludes the super fancy, the tuxes and evening gowns and things, which are for specific occasions. regardless, i bet you will find at least one thing that you don't need anymore. maybe two. and if you continue this inspection in the other areas in your house, you will find it filled with shit that you may not even know you had. and that, should make you think. if it doesn't, maybe you should reanalyze your approach to life, and existence on this little planet of ours.

ok, so why am i ranting about this now. and it's true, i am just as guilty of this as anyone else, and at this precise moment i am looking at my 1, yeah that's right 1, book shelf/closet combo thing, and i realize that there is much here that i have no use for. shirts i haven't worn since i started service, pants that i have only worn once. i even have a package of undershirts that i opened, layed out on my shelf, and then never used. not once. granted they're all mediums and i'm a tiny bastard who should have known better, but still. why are they still there. shouldn't someone put them to good use?

and yes, there is a point to all of this. there occured a moment in my mind that acted as a catalyst for this discussion. and it all happened when i did my laundry after vacation. you see, when you go on vacation you bring clothes for almost any situation, logically, because you never know. so i basically had to wash my whole wardrobe, which for a peace corps volunteer should be limited to almost nothing. not in my case. after i was done, i had three clothes lines drying, and then it hit me. i looked around and saw that i was being watched by the 20 coffee pickers that my host dad had trucked in from out of town. in their eyes i could see something like envy/disgust/surprise all mixed together. nothing hostile, but it still slammed me like a dump truck. i looked up and realized that i was hanging up enough clothing for most of them to wear for a whole coffee season. and it was all mine. i don't think i have ever felt as shitty about drying my laundry as i did that day. and it still bothers me.

i guess it's just something to think about when you do laundry next time.