7.29.2011

peace to peace corps

it seems that saying goodbye is at the same time really easy (physically), and impossible (emotionally). you can never really be ok with potentially never seeing a friend again. at least, not if you're not crazy. but the question is, how comfortable do you need to be before the goodbye stops being painful? and what can one do to avoid that business alltogether? I guess on one end, you can just never really face reality and just avoid goodbyes. You can also embrace the idea, and do it with poise, or whatever word you want to use there. But in the end, I think it's all bullshit. Because in either case you're just lying to yourself. I do think though, that there are other options. I personally prefer extending the goodbye over a long period. Not physically, but psychologically. You start saying goodbye months before you actually leave, that way the actual act means nothing, because mentally you're already there. However, that does have unintended consequences almost every time. Because if you actually care about a person, that last goodbye is just as hard, if not harder, because rather than extending it, you've been building it up. Or, you cut a person off too soon, and maybe even never reach the true potential that your connection could have been, had you not spent the whole time saying goodbye. Which makes me wonder, since I have been following this philosophy for some time, how many personal relationships have I killed before they even formed? And what's the alternative? Because goodbyes are inevitable, and then the question that appears is the following: Is it truly better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

7.18.2011

hmm..

ok, so i've had a couple experiences that i wanted to get on paper before i forget them. to be honest, i wrote them on post-its days ago, and now the details are becoming muddy, so if it all sounds boring and whatnot, well then, go read something else. i keep realizing that this blog is more than anything a record for myself, so if i seem apathetic, well it's because i am.
ok, so first and foremost, it is raining. and yes, i wrote about this before, but it's getting worse. it rains with gusting winds, every night, power and cell phones go daily, and yesterday we had our first hurricane. or second. i don't know. the point is it sucked. it was as if i was in a wind tunnel. and i was indoors. water came from all sides, falling almost laterally, coming in from under the door (and i live on the second floor). the roof leaked everywhere, even though it never leaks, and every outdoor surface had at least 2 inches of standing water on it. it hailed. yeah, that's right, balls of ice fell from the sky in a tropical country. i bet it's not even this shitty in jersey, thousands of miles to the north. and the interesting thing is, for the first time i was a little disconcerted. i would say scared, because i trust our concrete house to withstand a little rain, but the lack of electricity, missing cell phone service, falling tress, and constant lightining strikes feet from my house, made me wonder if our new construction would survive the storm. actually i was sitting for some time, watching the long rebar towers sticking out of our new roof, hoping one would be the recipient of a lightning bolt, and that it would forever remain a deformed mass of iron, but i wasn't so lucky. kind of boring actually in the end.
on a different note, my work is done. at least my community development business. although one story i think is worth noting. so my garden project had one stipulation: lack of participation would result in the return of materials to the project. and i loved using this as a threat to get people to work. maybe not so much as a threat, but the ultimatum had the desired effect. "get this shit done, or i take everything away and give it to somebody who actually gives a damn". and people took it seriously. except for one family, and i decided that they would not get the pleasure of calling my bluff. so a couple weeks ago, i got into a car with my buddy luis and the local community leader, and we drove up the mountain to the tiny adobe house. it stands in the middle of a coffee farm, and there is no road access, so i was forced to leave the car and walk to the front door through dense wet coffee trees. when i arrived, a 70 year old man met me with a stern look. his son had signed up for the project and then left, supposedly with no intention of building the garden. and the conversation (after all the initial pleasantries) went something like this:
me: sir, due to your son's noncompliance with the project rules, i have to pick up the fencing and take it back.
old dude: well, that won't be possible because it's not here. they (the family) took it with them.
me: sadly, that's not going to work. if there's no fencing, then someone will have to pay me the cost, so that the materials can be procured for someone else. if you'd like, you can see the contract your son signed.
old dude: i don't understand this. why do you even need fencing, i used to plant acres of cabbage without the need for any of this fancy crap. and anyway, isn't all this shit free? didn't you gift it to us? how can you take it back?
me: well, to be honest, it's not free. it was given out with conditions, and those were not met. and rules are rules. that's one of the reasons this country is how it is, because no one takes laws seriously.
old dude: well there you have a point.

and this is where it got interesting, because the old guy called his grandson and told him to pull the fencing out of the house and give it to me (yeah that's right, the fencing that supposedly had left with his son).
after about 20 more minutes of the old dude telling me how gardening can be accomplished without materials, i dragged the roll of fencing through the farm with a stupid smile on my face. and yes, i did feel guilty for taking something away from such a poor and humble family. but i did offer them the option of keeping it and making a garden even though their son was a fuckup. but they said no. and now another family is benefiting from this material. hopefully, this will also remain as a lesson for the community as a whole, and people won't take future projects as lightly. or maybe not. at least my conscience is clean.

7.05.2011

july, maybe last post for PC

it's been raining daily, starting at 11 am, for almost, well i actually don't know how long now. it feels as if forever, but i know it's only been a few weeks. the point is, life has been forced indoors, and that can drive a person a little stir crazy. and since endless rain here is tied to power outages (the last two days we didn't have electricity for 40 hours straight), being indoors in the darkness is a little tough. luckily i'll be leaving soon. i think i should look at this as a test of my abilities, a challenge. to add salt to the wound, or make matters worse, or whatnot, it has become almost impossible to dry clothes (since no one here has a dryer and there isn't enough sun), and laundry isn't easy either, so i am currently going commando, and have been for days. hopefully i will have underwear for tomorrow.
on a different note, my work here is basically done. this friday, we will be having our last meeting for the garden project. after seeing all of the hard work that has been accomplished, i can only smile. people have done things that i never imagined would occur so early on, implementing pretty important novel techniques. and the crazy thing is, all these practices have been working out, and so some participants have even changed their minds about organic crop production. i had a guy yesterday hand me a radish the size of an 11 year old's fist. he couldn't believe it either. i just sat there dumbfounded taking pictures.
in the end though, this all pales in comparison to the anxiety of finally getting out of here. the interesting thing is, it's the same as when i left for honduras in the first place. i am excited to move on, but sad to leave. i guess it will happen everywhere i go, might as well get used to it.