hn19.

you know, loneliness is a strange thing. for some, it can be exhausting, a continuous source of pressure and dread, constantly nagging at the mind. it can be excruciating. for others, its a relief. an escape, a means to deal with the monotony of daily action. but what's weird, at least for me, is that it can be both at the same time. and I think that the mind is to blame, for during moments of solitude is when the mind is working to it's fullest, and while it's great to let it run free, it can also be dangerous. it brings up thoughts that were suppressed during time of work or activity, when the "now" was more important. but when you're alone, well all bets are off, and your mind just flies in whatever direction it wants. forget roads, trails, or highways. it goes, and theres nothing in your brain to stop it. and that's where it gets tricky. because for many, a vicious cycle starts, where the loneliness brings up thoughts of close ones, friends, family, and it makes the loneliness less bearable. then you think about it more, and that makes you think more about people, things you miss, foods you used to eat. and then, it doesn't stop, but you start having ideas, crazy ideas, about how to cope, and in the end you find yourself lying in your bed at night, unable to sleep, wondering how to the fuck you got into this situation in the first place. other days, its the opposite. you await the moment you can spend alone, reading or watching a show, even to write, so that you can process your day (hat's off to you peace corps for teaching me about processing), and maybe get something out of it. and it gives you time to think about loneliness in a different way. why is it that one feels lonely? what is it that one misses, and which then makes the loneliness feeling appear? is it physical, emotional, intellectual? does it depend on one's surroundings? what's going on back home? can someone feel lonely surrounded by people? even people they like? and the answers vary, they're different for every one of us. and what's more interesting, is that there are at least 50 people I know here in this country that are probably feeling the same way. or at least thinking about similar things, missing their families, or friends, or sushi. and in a way, that makes us so much less alone, because we are together in this struggle for our sanity. or sanities. so i guess in part, i write this to share with the rest of you PCVs here in honduras, and everywhere. if you feel like crap one day, remember that we all do sometimes, but that's life, and you get over it, and then, you make something useful out of your alone time and yourself.