nine.

today has been a day of self discovery. well sort of. i guess today i realized that it is hard to change a man's behavior. i guess its different for all, some are more maleable, some believe that they can change but in reality remain exactly as they were. others pretend, for the sake of others, while internally they crave another existence. i guess in my case, i am somewhat trapped between descriptions, as my desire to question and speak conflicts with my need to stay silent. i was told, prior to my departure, to shut up. i was told a simple phrase, beloved by my grandfather, "words are silver, silence is gold". and i thought i had taken it to heart, i had learned his lesson. but in reality, it was a ruse i told myself. i didnt change, and today, that was brought to my attention with a cold hard smack to the face. and to be honest, it wasnt even that bad, nothing serious happened, but i guess it was made apparent to me that i talk too much. and now, im trapped. i can try to change my behavior, alter my questions, maybe even keep silent for months. but the impressions have been made, and many call me friend, but i still feel as though i have failed in my promises, to myself. i hoped to remain a stoic, silent, thoughtful individual. instead i remained myself. is it better this way? or should i have done something different? i guess its too late now. c'est la vie. asi es la vida. that's life. shit happens. etc. i guess, for some, my actions aren't bothersome, but even still, its hard for me to write this without feeling remorse over my lack of self control. anyway, i guess that's enough of self reflection. one day, in the next two years, i may read this entry and laugh. or not. regardless, it feels good to share this with you, my friends and family. i ask just this once, to stay your comments, and allow me to just vent. its not that i dont want to hear your thoughts. i write this one for myself as much as for you, but i don't desire your responses. now, im at a loss for words. i hoped to write some things about my day, about my experiences at the botanical garden, the market, class, but instead i think i will let you all see the photos once they are posted. i have been having trouble with facebook, and so will find another medium. i will check out picassa, google's photo thing tonight if i can, and if not, then something else. i will post a link as soon as i can. i hope all is well with all of you. i feel much better now, that this is written, and i can now enjoy my dinner here, maybe even the rest of the evening.